Need replacement

Been so long

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. The Lamictal seems to be helping, mostly. I think I might need to go up a bit but will discuss that at the next med appointment. Still having bad dreams, so they prescribed Prazosin. It's a blood pressure drug in higher doses, but is also for nightmares caused by PTSD. I never considered that I might have PTSD until they prescribed it. And in thinking about it, I just might. I have a real problem being alone for any extended amount of time. When I was a very little child (like 3 or 4), I remember sitting in my highchair at my grandparents' table and them telling me my mother wasn't coming back. I remember it hit me like a damn rock and I screamed and cried like the world was ending, even after my grandmother slapped me across the face. Then, various boyfriends and friends left me, and even the person I thought was the love of my life at the time. So yeah, I may just have PTSD, about that and the mental abuse and being molested twice as a child. I don't know. Something to think about, alone of course, since my therapist said I no longer needed her. I will try to post more often, but no promises. :)

So I'm up to 50 mg on the Lamictal and it doesn't seem to be working as well. I keep having the same dream over and over, with various scenarios, of Mark leaving for one reason or another. I thought maybe I'm just too paranoid (relationship anxiety), which I'm sure is some of it, but then again, maybe I don't feel secure in my relationship for some reason. I told him about it and we'll see. Something needs to work and we both need to work on our relationship. I'd hate to throw 25 years out the window, but I can't live in pain all the time, either. If I wanted to feel alone all the time I WOULD be alone. So, we'll see. I seriously think Chantix fucked up my brain permanently. I was never so insecure before it. However, I still think something is causing the insecurity. Like I said, I'm sure some of it is me, but I'm also sure some of it is him; either something he's doing or not doing. I just don't feel loved and he says he's trying, but I've told him repeatedly that I'd liked to be touched more, etc. and it doesn't really happen. And it's not that he's not that sort of person because I remember it happening when we first got together. Just wondering if it's "old and stale" now. Everyone used to say we seemed like the happiest couple they had ever met. No one says that now. Even as recently as when we moved here 2 years ago. Something has changed, and it's not all me and my emotions. Oh well. Off to try to make it through the day. Happy weekend, everyone.

Doing much better on the Lamictal. Have to go up slowly, but I feel like a completely different person. Doing so well that my therapist told me I didn't need her anymore and released me from therapy. Raining today, I'm loving it. 16 year old got a job at McDonalds. Hope she sticks with it. I'm making and selling jewelry again at my Etsy store: https://www.etsy.com/shop/RachelsJewels1968 Happy hump day, everyone!

Okay, so the latuda seems to be helping, although at the higher doses, 40 & 60 mg., I've felt a bit like a tuning fork; vibrating so fast nobody can see it. I'm back on 40 mg. with the same effect; restlessness with an inability to concentrate on any one thing, so bad I usually just lay down. Went to the med doctor today (again! sheesh! feels like home away from home!), and she put me on a blood pressure medicine, propranolol, to help calm it down. I really want it to work so I can get the full effect of the latuda without feeling like I'm bouncing off of the walls. The restlessness should eventually wear off, but until then, I have this med to help. Maybe I can get back up to a therapeutic dose if it does help! Going to rain & storm today (at least according to weather). Cloudy and cool out. Did I mention my mom died the 19th? Going up this weekend to help Dad and find out what he wants to do next. Hoping he will jump in his RV and come back to Kansas with us, but we'll see. Happy Tuesday, everyone.

Mom died at 2:07 AM this morning. Not quite sure how I feel yet. Relieved for her, because she desperately wanted to go, but sad. Sad for the arguments, sad we couldn't get along better, etcetera.

Better. Guess there's not as much to write about when I'm feeling okay. We lost a chicken; I think she was egg bound. Did everything I could including soaking her in a warm epson salt bath for 20 minutes, getting the glove and lubricant and checking internally, but we still lost her. We now have 7 adults, 14 teenagers, and 4 somewhat babies. Sheesh. I think I have come to terms that although the hubby has changed a bit, my reactions to said changes have altered quite a bit. It's better on the 60 mg of Latuda, but sometimes things still bother me. However, there's nothing I can do about it but deal. Still considering all this. The 60 mg makes me quite hyper still. Been on the dose less than a week, though, so hoping it wears off. Happy hump day!