Okay, so the latuda seems to be helping, although at the higher doses, 40 & 60 mg., I've felt a bit like a tuning fork; vibrating so fast nobody can see it. I'm back on 40 mg. with the same effect; restlessness with an inability to concentrate on any one thing, so bad I usually just lay down. Went to the med doctor today (again! sheesh! feels like home away from home!), and she put me on a blood pressure medicine, propranolol, to help calm it down. I really want it to work so I can get the full effect of the latuda without feeling like I'm bouncing off of the walls. The restlessness should eventually wear off, but until then, I have this med to help. Maybe I can get back up to a therapeutic dose if it does help! Going to rain & storm today (at least according to weather). Cloudy and cool out. Did I mention my mom died the 19th? Going up this weekend to help Dad and find out what he wants to do next. Hoping he will jump in his RV and come back to Kansas with us, but we'll see. Happy Tuesday, everyone.

Mom died at 2:07 AM this morning. Not quite sure how I feel yet. Relieved for her, because she desperately wanted to go, but sad. Sad for the arguments, sad we couldn't get along better, etcetera.

Better. Guess there's not as much to write about when I'm feeling okay. We lost a chicken; I think she was egg bound. Did everything I could including soaking her in a warm epson salt bath for 20 minutes, getting the glove and lubricant and checking internally, but we still lost her. We now have 7 adults, 14 teenagers, and 4 somewhat babies. Sheesh. I think I have come to terms that although the hubby has changed a bit, my reactions to said changes have altered quite a bit. It's better on the 60 mg of Latuda, but sometimes things still bother me. However, there's nothing I can do about it but deal. Still considering all this. The 60 mg makes me quite hyper still. Been on the dose less than a week, though, so hoping it wears off. Happy hump day!

Went to the med nurse and things are much better now. They upped my Latuda to 60 mg a day (on 40 now, which seems to be helping a LOT, going to 60 Saturday) and added small amounts of Seroquel (25-50 mg at night, 12.5 to 25 mg during the day for anxiety as needed). I'm feeling almost back to my old self now. In other news, it's freaking HOT here in Kansas. We're supposed to get some nasty storms tonight, although I don't trust them very much. Usually, when that's supposed to happen, they go around us because of the 'cap' over Topeka. I'm hoping we do get at least some pouring rain tonight. I usually go outside at night to sit and watch the chickens, but by the time I get back in I'm just melting and sweating. Not good on all these 'avoid the sun and heat' meds. Hope your Thursday is going well.

Talked to hubby and feel better now. I usually feel better after I talk to him. It's just sometimes, I don't think he makes an effort to talk to me. But all better now. I believe I'm ultra rapid cycling. Suicidal to laughing in sixty seconds. I really need a good cocktail of drugs that work.

Today is not going well at all. Feeling very lonely and sick of fighting with my husband, who is off in Colorado with the kids having a good time visiting family while I sit here and cry. All fucking day. I stayed home because I have to feed our animals, walk our dogs 3x a day, and handle the chickens. I swear, I think if I didn't have those responsibilities today I think I would end it. Tired of hurting, and just read on a few websites about relationship anxiety that in a nutshell, it's all my fault. Always. Everyone can sit back and blame the crazy person. So tired, and so in pain. Edited to mark dog walking as 3x a day. Can't even think straight.

I've often heard people talking about those who have committed suicide.  I'm not considering it (at this moment), but I have some thoughts on the issue.  I've heard folks say that people who commit suicide are selfish.  Well, what the fuck do you think you are, demanding they live so you don't feel some of the pain that they live with on a daily basis?  If that's not selfish, I don't know what is.

Bipolars and depressed people feel things way differently than "normal" people.  We hurt much more, everything is directed at us, whether it is or not, and we're very in tune with other people's opinions of us.  At least I am.  Not trying to stigmatize the entire bipolar / depressed community.  We do, however, think differently.  Obviously.  And telling someone to just get over is plain fucking rude.  You have diabetes?  Eat less sugar, you'll be fine, just get over it.  Broken leg?  Get up and walk on it, you'll be fine, just get over it.  Same difference.  They are 'hidden' diseases, no, you can't see my pain (most days), but it's still there, even though YOU don't notice it.

Married 25 years.  Let's get into this.  I started taking Chantix to stop smoking.  I think it has permanently altered my brain.  Took it before with no problems, but this time almost did me in.  I went totally suicidal and psychotic, and some days still feel that way.  Husband has changed, I don't feel important to him anymore, talked till I'm blue in the face with no results.  I've been feeling the changes a lot more since the Chantix.  However, he acts totally blameless most of the time, defends his actions or nonactions, and makes me feel even crazier.  I told him today HE needs counseling and / or therapy, and if some things don't change, hate to say it, but I'm out of here.  He hurts me (inadvertently, doesn't even consider how I might feel) several times each day.  Now, I'm pretty sure I'm overreacting, but that doesn't change the fact that he still treats me like I'm furniture.  He's gotten too lazy in the relationship, taking me for granted, and I'm sick of it.  I'd hate to throw 25 years down the drain, and I love him so much it hurts (literally), but I can't keep living in all this pain.

He doesn't read my Facebook anymore (he used to), so I doubt if he'll ever see this blog.  He really has no interest in what I have to say anymore, so I feel safe writing this.

Rant over.....for now.

Creating this blog to write down my madness on an almost, well somewhat, daily journal.  Bipolar, married 25 years, 2 teenage girls living at home, and slowly but surely going crazier.  I've started therapy and new meds but not doing so well so far.  Read it or don't, leave comments or don't, but if you get snarky, remember, I INVENTED the word.  Have a nice day!