I've often heard people talking about those who have committed suicide.  I'm not considering it (at this moment), but I have some thoughts on the issue.  I've heard folks say that people who commit suicide are selfish.  Well, what the fuck do you think you are, demanding they live so you don't feel some of the pain that they live with on a daily basis?  If that's not selfish, I don't know what is.

Bipolars and depressed people feel things way differently than "normal" people.  We hurt much more, everything is directed at us, whether it is or not, and we're very in tune with other people's opinions of us.  At least I am.  Not trying to stigmatize the entire bipolar / depressed community.  We do, however, think differently.  Obviously.  And telling someone to just get over is plain fucking rude.  You have diabetes?  Eat less sugar, you'll be fine, just get over it.  Broken leg?  Get up and walk on it, you'll be fine, just get over it.  Same difference.  They are 'hidden' diseases, no, you can't see my pain (most days), but it's still there, even though YOU don't notice it.

Married 25 years.  Let's get into this.  I started taking Chantix to stop smoking.  I think it has permanently altered my brain.  Took it before with no problems, but this time almost did me in.  I went totally suicidal and psychotic, and some days still feel that way.  Husband has changed, I don't feel important to him anymore, talked till I'm blue in the face with no results.  I've been feeling the changes a lot more since the Chantix.  However, he acts totally blameless most of the time, defends his actions or nonactions, and makes me feel even crazier.  I told him today HE needs counseling and / or therapy, and if some things don't change, hate to say it, but I'm out of here.  He hurts me (inadvertently, doesn't even consider how I might feel) several times each day.  Now, I'm pretty sure I'm overreacting, but that doesn't change the fact that he still treats me like I'm furniture.  He's gotten too lazy in the relationship, taking me for granted, and I'm sick of it.  I'd hate to throw 25 years down the drain, and I love him so much it hurts (literally), but I can't keep living in all this pain.

He doesn't read my Facebook anymore (he used to), so I doubt if he'll ever see this blog.  He really has no interest in what I have to say anymore, so I feel safe writing this.

Rant over.....for now.